God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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