All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
