If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
