sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
