yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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