I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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