would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am available for nakedness
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
