i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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