I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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