I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
