I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe