I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
