since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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