wrigley field is MILF paradise
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
