new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
