Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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