My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
