I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
