i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
