I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
