just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
