if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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