I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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