Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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