Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
