Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
