just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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