I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
don't judge my taste in strippers
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
