How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
