i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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