You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
