your parents love me but you hate me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
