I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
