made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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