you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
