Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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