Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
