just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
