What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
