She's JV to your varsity
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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