Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Randomize
