help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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