Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
