I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
