Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
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after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
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We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
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