im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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