I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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