I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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