Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
