I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
