Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
