It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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