i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
