anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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